No. 938



If you have ever had someone make the comment, “you have a weird sense of humor,” you will really appreciate what I want to tell you about in this column. One reason what I want to share is especially meaningful to me is that it fell my lot to do all the grocery shopping during my late wife’s battle with Parkinson’s. For several years we had been shopping at our local Walmart, so I just continued there because of my time limitations and the fact that I knew where everything was located in the store.
This is the backdrop for a very humorous story a friend sent me a while back about a letter sent to this man and his wife, telling them they were no longer welcome in the store. As you read along you will see why.
The title of the story is, “I laughed so hard I could barely breathe” and it begins this way. “Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart. ‘Dear Mrs. Woolf, for the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate his behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from our store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are documented by our video-surveillance cameras. July 2: He set all alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five-minute intervals. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
‘July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.’ This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which 20 children obliged.
‘August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency medics were called. September 4: looked right into the security camera while he picked his nose. September 10: While handling guns in the sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. October 3: Darting around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’ October 22: When a voice came over the loudspeaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’ And last but not least, October 23: Went into the fitting room, shut the door, waited a while and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here’ One staff member passed out’.”
I might say there were a couple of other instances that I have omitted because this is a family-friendly column, and I am very sensitive to that. While I have no way of knowing which Walmart this was, I will say that we have a few likely candidates here in my hometown. And I believe you will agree that this man does have a “weird sense of humor,” which is better than no humor at all. Hope you at least cracked a smile. Have a wonderful day.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim Davidson is a public speaker and syndicated columnist. You may contact him at 2 Bentley Drive, Conway, AR 72034. To begin a bookcase literacy project visit You won’t go wrong helping a needy child.)