NO. 898 HOW TO START A FIGHT!
No. 898
Jim Davidson -- NEWSPAPER COLUMN
HOW TO START A FIGHT!
The Bible says there will always be wars and rumors of wars. This means that at some time, in some way, someone had to start a fight, often with devastating consequences. To be sure, as human beings we are each unique with our own distinct personalities. Some individuals like to fight while others don’t. Personally, I detest controversy and I hate violence, but there comes a time in most of our lives when we have to take a stand, and this might even include being involved in a fight -- if not actual fisticuffs, at least a verbal fight.
The other day a friend e-mailed me an article titled “How to Start A Fight” that was very humorous. I believe and I hope you will agree, in today’s times most of us are so stressed out, just tying to keep our heads above water, that we welcome a little comic relief from time to time.
Some of the following short-stories are a little off-color and I have cleaned them up a bit, while others I have just discarded. Hopefully as I share these you will smile a little, if not crack-up laughing. Here we go and most will end with the words, “And that’s how the fight started.”
No. 1: One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year I did not buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied. “Well, you still have not used the gift I bought you last year.” And that’s when the fight started.
No. 2: When our lawnmower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making homemade wine … always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again but will always have a limp.
No. 3: My wife said down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And then the fight started.
No. 4: My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started.
No. 5: (And this may hit close to home) My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes,” she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My gosh!” I said, ‘Who would think, a person could go on celebrating that long?” And then the fight started.
No. 6: My wife was standing with no clothes on, looking in the bathroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.” I replied, “Look on the bright side, your eyesight is almost perfect.” And then the fight started.
That’s all folks. Hope you have cracked a smile or two. This column reminded me of a fight that broke out in a nearby school a few weeks ago between parents at a basketball game. When I read about this, the following question came to me, “What did they learn when they were in school?”
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(EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim Davidson is a public speaker and syndicated columnist. You may contact him at 2 Bentley Drive, Conway, AR 72034. To begin a bookcase literacy project visit www.bookcaseforeverychild.com. You won’t go wrong helping a needy child.)
